Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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