my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
