Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
