toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
