Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
