Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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