Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
