all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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