and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
BRING THE BAGELS
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
