Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he thought i was a dude.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
