i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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