Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
