Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
