woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
