I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
This is the prime rib incident all over again
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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