Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
