Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
