The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
