apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
