don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
