the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
