Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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