i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
