Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
