i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
