i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
