I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
