the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
