I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
