I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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