Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There r osticjed everywhere
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
