So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
