dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
