At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
