Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
