I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
