Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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