My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
