just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
