i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
