fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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