So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
foreskin is a definite game changer
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
