One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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