he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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