I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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