Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
