I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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