Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
