Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Still dying that you shit outside
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
