today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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