he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
