literally had 100 drinks last night.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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