I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
that's an acceptable place to lick
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
